I’m interpreting so many mistakes I make in light of
the dementia: typing mistakes, skipping words when I write, forgetting where I
put stuff. In the past, I have sometimes
used my diagnosis of depression as an excuse to avoid things, to pull back from
life’s challenges. I don’t want to
repeat that mistake here by interpreting everything through the eyes of this
illness.
For instance, I’m scheduled to give a talk to a big
audience at the International Street Medicine Conference. I’ve been more anxious than usual. It’s not so much the speech itself; I’ll
write that out ahead of time and have Fred Taylor and Maria Barker read it
carefully. It’s the question-and-answer
session afterward and the later conversations with interested people that precipitate
my anxiety.
So should I push myself regardless of the anxiety as a
way of keeping my mind sharper? Or
should I remove such stress from my life?
I’ve already decided not to take any more of the large
speaking assignments, though. The level
of anxiety is greater than I want to handle.
I’m okay now but will I be okay in three months to give a speech? Will I feel too much pressure to continue
against my better judgment?
The more difficult question is whether I should cancel
the classes I teach or should I wait until the diagnosis becomes obvious to
other people? Should I resign from my
position as the bookkeeper at Eighth Day?
The questions are all a jumble now; I think I’ll wait to decide those
things, but it’s unclear.
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