Washington
DC
I think about what this increasing memory loss will
mean. I am human, I exist in community,
I know myself through my memory. What
will it be like not to be able to remember Marja’s name or what I just
said? Will I still feel “normal” like I
do now? So do I feel normal now? Currently, I feel just as much a person as
ever. I forget a lot of things and I get
confused sometimes, but those external symptoms don’t seem to change my
consciousness. In terms of
self-perception, I am just as much David Hilfiker as I have ever been. Things that I forget, of course, just
disappear. I may know I should be able to remember them, but I
don’t. Fortunately, I suppose, memory
has never been my strong suit, so it’s not really part of my self-image. It’s almost the opposite of the Buddhist
non-self: even as I change drastically, my consciousness is of the same “self.”
So mostly I worry about the future. What will it be like when …? But I am not given to know the future,
especially in a disease like this where no one can really tell me what is was
like even for them. It’s a little like death
because no one can know what it’s like to die before they die, and then it’s
too late to tell anyone else. Similarly,
you can’t tell anyone else what it’s like when you’re confused about what’s
being asked or can’t remember long enough to put it together.
All this is speculation, of course. I’ve noted several times before that staying
in the present is not particularly painful, and the future isn’t here, so this
worry doesn’t help anything. But if I
want to share with you who are reading this memoir what’s actually happening now, this
useless speculation and worry about the future are what’s happening now.
Am I worrying,
though? Actually, I don’t think so. I just looked it up: The dictionary defines
“worry” as a state of anxiety, being troubled by something. I certainly think a lot about the future, but
I don’t feel real anxiety about it. Am I
“troubled”? Again the dictionary defines
“troubled” as being in distress or being afflicted. I don’t obsess about the future. I’ve said frequently that it doesn’t do any
good to dwell upon the future, but it does help, I think, to imagine it. Imagining prepares me for what’s coming. Obviously, I can’t know for sure what’s
coming. So if my imagining the future
were worrying about the future, then it might be well to curtail the worrying. As it is, its primary value is to get me
ready for what’s coming.
The elder lawyer we’d visited a month or so ago
contacted us to let us know he couldn’t take our case because he was just too
busy. So I asked around and last night a
friend, Debi, gave me the name and email address of another elder lawyer I
could contact. After I’d finished composing
the email and sent it. Debi mailed me
back to tell me I’d sent the email to her
and not the other lawyer. I had
apparently clicked Reply when I wrote the email and unintentionally sent it
back to Debi. OK, that’s a mistake
probably everyone has done at one time or another. So I pulled up what had sent to her and put
it in to my Outbox to go to the other lawyer.
A few moments later—fortunately before the email actually left my
computer, I noticed I had done exactly the same thing again, almost sending it
to Debi a second time. Fortunately I
caught myself and sent it to the lawyer.
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