Washington DC
I have to give up the bookkeeping that I’ve been doing
for our church community for the past ten years.
In addition to Marja’s and my personal bookkeeping, I
also keep the books for our little housing co-op and for the church. Reconciling our accounts the other night, I
discovered I’d deposited one set of checks meant for our personal account into
the co-op account. It was not a big
deal, and I could fix it easily. But, as
I wrote earlier, in December I also made a huge
mistake in my church bookkeeping. So
this mix-up between our personal account and the co-op account is further
indication that my capacities are declining.
The actual day-to-day details of
the bookkeeping are not yet too difficult, but some of the other tasks that
only the bookkeeper can do—spreadsheets, for instance—have felt too
confusing. A week or so ago, as I was
trying to figure out how much money the church had in its regular account at
the beginning of the year, I got confused between the regular account and the
money market account. That kind of thing
is going to lead to more serious mistakes.
So I asked Kate Lasso several weeks ago if she would take over the
books, told the church leadership team a week ago, and told the entire church
this past Sunday. I’ve begun to make
arrangements to get everything transferred.
It seems unexpectedly easy to give up the task. In fact, I keep surprising myself with how
easy it’s been emotionally to give up different kinds of responsibility. Part of it may be the apathy that is part of
the disease, but mostly, I think, I’ve received an unexpected gift of being
able to let go. Even as I think about
future kinds of control that I’ll lose (having to let Marja make our important
decisions, for instance), it doesn’t seem to bother me as I would expect it to. Of course, it may be completely different
when the actual time comes to give those things up, but, at least for now, this
is the season of my life to give things up, to live in a very different space
that allows more to happen rather
than requires me to make it happen. I’m happy not to be in charge of so much.
The ease of it amazes me, actually.
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