Washington
DC
I find myself enjoying this increasing emotional
openness that seems to be part of my Alzheimer disease.
Saturday night, Marja and I went to the Kennedy Center
to see a play presented by a Finnish troupe in Finnish (with subtitles) as part
of a month-long Nordic Festival. Marja
is from Finland and the long periods of time our family has spent there have
given me a real sense of connection to the place and to the culture. The setting of the drama is under a bridge
somewhere in Finland where a number of homeless people are camped. An extended family there decides to put on a
Christmas pageant in gratitude for some distant relatives who live nearby who
have allowed them to use their shower.
So the climax of the play begins with the homely pageant, introduced by
a reading of Jesus’ birth from the Gospel of Luke. That reading is part of any Christmas
celebration there. It is beautiful in
Finnish and full of emotional richness for me, a symbol of my happiness there,
I suppose. This time the reading began
abruptly, and I wasn’t expecting it.
Immediately as the character began to recite it, however, a profound
sense of longing overcame me. I choked
up with tears of gratitude.
Then Sunday morning in our little church community, we
had a wonderful service. Every part of
it from prayers of gratitude to prayers of confession, to our (always
prolonged) sharing of the peace gave me deepening awareness of my belonging. The music was energetic and rich. Our teacher for the morning was a professor
on sabbatical who’s been part of our community for only seven months. One aspect of her teaching was a recounting
the richness of our community and its importance for her spiritual
journey. One of the events she recounted
was my acknowledging my Alzheimer’s and the community’s welcoming my
vulnerability with obvious caring.
Another person prayed for Marja and me.
There was a powerful sense of community.
In our church we offer each other communion. When the time came, Marja was right in back
of me in line, so, after I’d taken communion, served by the person in front of
me, I turned to offer the bread to Marja.
I choked up so much that it took me, perhaps, a full minute to get the
words out, “This is the body of Jesus broken for you.” Each time, I was overcome each time by tears
of joy, of gratitude, and of connection.
(I thought it was pretty funny, however, when Marja
and I talked about it later over supper.
She had thought I was crying because I was frustrated from not being
able to remember the words. Oh, well, so
much for soulful communication between the marital partners brought close by
this terrible disease.)
For my entire life until now, I’ve been particularly
unemotional, due, I believe, to clinical
depression. I felt few emotions, and
crying during communion was certainly not normal behavior for me. Perhaps it’s the loosening of inhibitions
that’s common to Alzheimer’s. Whatever
is causing it, it feels rich.
I’ve always been intellectually aware of the profound
privilege of my life: I was given a sharp intellect; I’m in good physical
shape; Marja’s and my relationship is wonderful; my children are doing well;
I’ve always had meaningful work for which I’ve been well compensated and appreciated; I have a supportive community; we
have no financial problems, and on and on and on. So I’ve always known how good I had it but
have never experienced the gratitude
that our good fortune would usually evoke.
Perhaps my happiness and contentment over the past months have not been
so much new as old, never-before-experienced feelings of joy and contentment.
Perhaps this Alzheimer’s is allowing me to enjoy my life for the first
time, not because things are any better, but because I’m more emotionally in
touch with the goodness.
I feel rooted, grounded. I’m where I’m supposed to be. I’m not looking for something else, something
better. And this gift comes through my
disease.
Thank you David for your generous sharing. I like many who journey with you will shed tears of gratitude, joy and connection. Such a gift. In deep gratitude to you and to the deep peace in which we all abide, blessings for your journey.
ReplyDeletesandy (Australia)
Thanks, Sandy. I'm grateful for those who journey with me. The motive behind this blog is that, as we share the realities of any struggle or pain, the load becomes easier. That's certainly been my experience, and I believe that others with Alzheimer's (or other taboo diseases) will find a community (even a tiny one) to share with.
DeleteDavid
Taboo disease- it's good to hear you say (so many things) aloud that I have been thinking and experiencing. It is very isolating. Signed, a kindred spirit in Virginia.
ReplyDelete