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If you're new to this blog and want some context for it, read this post from the day I announced my Alzheimer's disease and this post about the day I announced I had lost it. For more info, visit my website with my autobiography and all blog entries in chronological order for easier reading to catch up. There's also a sermon on the spiritual lessons I've learned through this journey through my damaged mind.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Fantasies of the Future

Marja went out with her friend Eve last night; I expected her home about 10 PM.  About 11:00 or so, I began to notice that she wasn’t home yet. After midnight, I began to worry.  Marja is well able to take care of herself, and she’s sometimes forgotten to call me when coming home late.  And I’ve always told her that I don’t worry easily and that events like that were more annoying than worrying.  (True, the previous episodes were during the day and not after midnight.)  I knew that if anything serious had happened, the police or hospital would let me know quickly.  And, above all, I knew I couldn’t do anything about it then. 

I couldn’t sleep, though.  Awhile later I began to fantasize about what it would mean for me if Marja were gone.  And that was a scary thought.  Who would take care of me as I declined?  I couldn’t imagine putting that burden on the children, at least not for very long.  So it would mean, I imagine, loneliness, early nursing home admission, and so on. 

It really is the fantasies about the future not the realities that are most painful.

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