Marja went out with her friend Eve last night; I
expected her home about 10 PM. About
11:00 or so, I began to notice that she wasn’t home yet. After midnight, I
began to worry. Marja is well able to
take care of herself, and she’s sometimes forgotten to call me when coming home
late. And I’ve always told her that I
don’t worry easily and that events like that were more annoying than
worrying. (True, the previous episodes were
during the day and not after midnight.) I
knew that if anything serious had happened, the police or hospital would let me
know quickly. And, above all, I knew I
couldn’t do anything about it then.
I couldn’t sleep, though. Awhile later I began to fantasize about what
it would mean for me if Marja were gone. And that was a scary thought. Who would take care of me as I declined? I couldn’t imagine putting that burden on the
children, at least not for very long. So
it would mean, I imagine, loneliness, early nursing home admission, and so on.
It really is the fantasies about the future not the
realities that are most painful.
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