Last night at the fundraiser for the Servant
Leadership School, I listened to “The Recovering Angels,” a black, ex-con, a
capella quintet. Their singing was
simply spectacular. It was Bible-gospel,
and it was wonderful. The power of
certain kinds of music to move me is becoming ever more obvious. Is it this illness that is opening me to an
emotional life never before available.
All my life I have wanted to have a faith that I could
count on. I stayed away from
Christianity for almost twenty years because Christian beliefs made no sense to
me. I equated faith with a central
Christian belief that a personal relationship with God was possible. I’ve never experienced such a God and the
idea of such a God doesn’t even make sense to me. I simply do not experience God as a
person. To the extent that I have had an
experience of God, it is beyond all words.
It seems to me that the very nature of God, God’s essence, can’t be described
or pinned down without artificially limiting that which cannot be limited. “God” includes creation, the moral universe,
things that I know to be true even though I can’t rationally give reason for my
knowledge; God includes mystery. And God
is not limited by any of the above. They
are pale attempts to get at what I actually have faith in. Since I came back to the church—through the
portal of Church of the Saviour—I’ve continued to want the experience of God, the knowledge of God’s presence. And I’ve never felt it.
One of the members read his spiritual autobiography (a
tradition within our church) at our members meeting today. As he read, I suddenly realized that I do
have a faith that I can own, a faith that I’ve always known about but never named
as faith in God. Before today, I’d
always considered my friend’s faith so intimate that, in comparison, mine
should hardly be considered “faith.” But
this morning I realized his faith, although expressed in very different
language, was not so different from mine.
Let me do my best to explain. Whatever else we know about God, it is that
God is infinite and indescribable. So
the question of what God is is
irrelevant. Rather, the question is who God is has to do with what is the
meaning of God in our world. And while I
have no idea of what God is, I know that there are some things that are right
and some things that are wrong; the universe is moral. Some things are absolutely true, regardless
of tradition. I cannot prove the reality
of that moral universe, of course. But I have a deep faith in it.
I know that ultimately other people are good. Given the incredible evil of the past
century, that faith in others’ goodness cannot be defended logically. I believe in the power of love, the necessity
to love one another as we love ourselves.
I believe in the necessity and joy of self sacrifice. I know that I can’t gain my life without
losing it. These are great gifts of
faith that are not so much given by God as they are descriptions of God,
definitions of God. So I have had a deep
and abiding faith in God all along. I’ve
just never named it as such. And since
the word “God” is freighted with such baggage, it’s not a helpful word for me
to use.
The question I have, without prejudice as to the
answer, is whether this Alzheimer’s will bring me closer to this fundamental
reality, closer to God.
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